Grief Triggers

No matter how much time has passed since your loss, things that will happen that will "trigger" your grief, often sending you into a full blown grief attack.  All at once, you feel that you have been tossed right back to the time when your spouse died and you begin to cry, shake and feel the throes of overwhelming pain.  It is as though no time has passed and your loss is once again fresh in your mind.  

I have many things that trigger my grief.  One is seeing RVers traveling down the road because I want to be doing that again with Dave.  Another is sirens, although this has gotten a bit better.  I also have difficulty watching medical shows on television and often have to change the channel.  These triggers don't always bring on severe grief attacks but the sadness I feel is definitely worse during those times.  Often, my grief attacks come when something triggered my pain when I wasn't expecting it, such as a line in a movie, or seeing couple walking hand-in-hand. Music can be a huge trigger for me. 

As you know, the effects of losing your spouse don't ever go away.  Things get better and the pain ebbs and flows.  After a period of time (different for each person) things aren't so raw and you actually begin to believe that there is still some reason to keep living.  There are even days when you can think of your spouse and smile, remembering the life you had more than the day your special person was taken away.

Then, something happens.  You're going along in what you define as a very stable period and something, or someone, creates a "trigger" and, like a war veteran suffering from a flashback, you are plunged into the darkness, the pain, the despair, the feeling of hopelessness that gripped you in the early days of your loss.

To people who have not been widowed, it may seem that you are engaging
in drama, are seeking attention, have again lost your grip, or, sadly, just can't seem
to "get over" things.  On the other hand, your widowed friends totally "get" you and
know how you feel because they have also experienced things that have triggered
their grief.   They will understand and will help you cope.  It is my hope that you
make every effort to connect with other widowed people, either in person or on-line.

Of course, not all widowed people are alike, and there are some people who don't suffer much from the effects of triggers.  They are the lucky ones and we should all be happy for them.  No one wants another to suffer needless pain.  But, don't think there is anything wrong with you if you do have triggers and the resulting grief attacks.  Your situation is not the same as anyone else's because you are unique.  The relationship you had with your spouse is unique.  While each of us should seek input from those who have gone before us, none of us should feel bad when experiencing our own reactions and emotions.   People aren't created in cookie cutter shapes and neither are feelings.

I can't tell you that triggers won't always affect you in some way.  As I mentioned earlier, the sound of sirens doesn't bother me as much as it did in the early days.  It still provokes a bad memory, but doesn't send me into a full-blown grief attack.  I suppose I have become somewhat hardened so that the sound is something I can deal with.  I also realize that what is true today may not be true for me tomorrow.  The sirens could once again emerge as a source of terrible pain for me.

The next page of this BLOG will provide a list of things I, and others, have identified as grief triggers.  You many find many you agree with and others that are not problems for you.  That's OK, because I don't want any of you to borrow trouble.  There may be triggers you experience that aren't listed.  The important thing is that you acknowledge the existence of grief triggers, that you identify what they are for YOU, and then develop techniques to get you through the resulting grief attack or blanket of sadness that overwhelms you.






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